I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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