I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
