Pappa wants mamma naked
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Randomize
