fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize