goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Randomize
