Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I think I sprained my soul last night
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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