1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
