I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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