Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
