I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
