well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
