when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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