Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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