It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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