So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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