you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
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