but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
