i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
