one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I just gargled with NyQuil
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
