I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
