does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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