woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Randomize
