I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
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