Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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