At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
