nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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