My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
