her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
