I cannot find my penis.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
