If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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