I'd wear matching sweaters with you
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
