I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
