Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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