Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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