I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
