I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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