Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
