Banned from zoo.
Again?
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
