I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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