Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
