I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
