We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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