I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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