my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
