I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
