mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
i out mim tonsoeep
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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