if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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