I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
