Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Randomize
