tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Randomize