So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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