Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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