she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
