you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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