So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
