now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
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