Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
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