I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
