i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Randomize
