So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
