I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
