she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
foreskin is a definite game changer
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
